Introduction

We have all heard of the tragic stories of Judas Iscariot and King Saul; People who have been chosen and called on by God to participate in His grace and mercy and yet, fell into despair. Judas felt grief so intense that he went and hung himself, while King Saul marched into battle in despair and without hope, also ending up taking his own life.

However, have you ever felt like these people might represent you well? Have you ever felt like you were stuck on a sin and felt unworthy because of the times you have struggled with that sin? Have you ever felt a little despair upon seeing that you are making no progress?

There are many reasons as to why your repentance is not producing fruit, as had happened with Judas and King Saul. For no matter how much these men weeped and grieved for their sins, they still could not obtain mercy and repentance.

Dealing with Our Sins

Now, we must ask ourselves what we are doing wrong when attempting to repent and why it seems to be fruitless and, sometimes, pointless. The answer lies in the way the first men dealt with the first sin.

When we go back to the story of Genesis, we notice 3 things happen when Adam and Eve were dealing with their sin.

1. Shame. When Adam and Eve ate the fruit, they realized they were naked and felt ashamed.
2. Self-effort. They then tried to cover themselves, trying to fix this nakedness they felt.
3. Fear + guilt. After providing a temporary but futile effort to fix this ugliness they were feeling, they then hid from God, not because they were naked, but because the shame accused them.

Why is this important? Because it highlights the way we ignorantly deal with our sins and transgressions without realizing that instead of bringing us closer to God, they actually just push us away further from God. 

Shame

Be ashamed when you sin. Don’t be ashamed when you repent. Sin is the wound, repentance is the medicine. Sin is followed by shame; repentance is followed by boldness. Satan has overturned this order and given boldness to sin and shame to repentance.
-Saint John Chrysostom

There is a good shame and a bad shame. It is okay to be ashamed of your sin, lest you become heartless and do not even care if you sin or not.. but there is a shame some feel that prevents them from repenting because they feel like they “might fall in the same sin again”.

Self-Effort

This kind of shame leads to self-effort to try to amend oneself to be able to repent later. For example, someone might say:

“I am too filthy and sinful to go to church and come before the Lord to repent. I will first fix myself and only then will I be able to receive grace.”

Brothers and sisters, this is a lie from the devil. You may think this is reasonable and good, but it is a delusion that satan tries to get you into so you get worse.

Think about it. Adam and Eve tried to cover themselves up, trying to find a temporary fix to their shame. Judas tried to return the money, admitting he made a mistake in turning the Lord in, but it was too late. Likewise, King Saul tried to summon Samuel’s spirit from the grave to seek help, but Samuel only told him that the Lord has sealed his fate.

There is nothing you can do to reverse/fix your sin, dear brothers and sisters. Do not fall into this delusion and trap, thinking that you will come to God once you have changed; it will NEVER happen. You know why? The more you try getting help anywhere than the one that can truly and profoundly fix you, the more sick you will get, thinking you are doing yourself a good service, but in reality are destroying yourself more and more. 

11 And having seen this, the Pharisees said to His disciples “Because of why eateth your teacher with the tax collectors and sinners?”
12 And having heard, He said “Those being strong have no need of a physician, but those being sick.“
Matthew 9:11-12

Trying to fix your sin on your own is like someone with a deadly infection refusing to see a doctor because they feel “too sick” to go. They say, “Let me get better first, then I’ll go to the hospital.” But the infection only gets worse without treatment. The very reason you need the doctor is because you cannot heal yourself.

Fear + Guilt

After Adam and Eve tried to “fix” themselves by covering their nakedness, they were seized with fear and guilt upon hearing the Lord walking in the garden and hid from the Lord when He cried “Where are you?”. So not only did they sin against God, but they tried hiding from Him, the only one who could restore them. For they no longer felt safe or comfortable around Him because of the guilt. 

But notice how God came to seek them, His friends, after they have sinned. Likewise, God seeks us whenever we run off to sin and give in to our struggle. Nevertheless, it is the way Adam and Eve dealt with their sin that caused them to die. Indeed, the wages of sin is death, not because God will literally pay you with death if you sin, but rather because sin is inherently destructive and wounds the soul. 

If we, instead of coming to God and confessing our sins, choose to also hide away from God because you think you should fix yourself first, this is a good way to deepen your wound and get dangerously closer to death. You MUST go to church and confess your sins before God. That is the only way you will truly be able to change.

Think about it. It is a constant and endless cycle of going to church, feeling filthy and unworthy to partake in the Sacraments of the Church, so all you end up doing is hiding away from God and the grace He offers for healing of the soul and body; you only get worse and worse this way. 

Don’t try to change yourself; Let God change you. And do not try to fight by yourself, thinking God will finally be pleased with you when you have overcome; You cannot do it on your own. 

As supreme and sovereign as the Lord Almighty is, He is not some scary tyrant or legalistic ruler. He wants to be your friend and seeks you when you sin, as He did seek Adam and Eve, saying “Where are you?”. 

We pray the Saints to pray for us because they are friends of God, right? Who says God doesn’t want to be your friend either? Do not see God as a scary judge who will despise you for your sin. For if He was this way, He would have never even come down from Heaven to give His life for ALL kinds of sinners, no matter what horrible things they have done or are currently struggling with.

28 Come to me, all those tired and being burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

Applying Repentance In Our Lives

So, remember, you don’t have to be okay in order to repent. You don’t have to fix yourself first before you come to the Lord and confess. All you need is faith that by coming to the Lord, He will grant you better results and progression than you would ever be able to accomplish by yourself.

Go to church and confess. Have a spiritual father to guide you along the way. When you have received grace through the Sacrament, you will know that God is with you and doesn’t despise you for your weakness and evil desires. It matters not how broken or evil you are. What matters is that you place your hope in God and that He alone will save your soul from what torments you.

14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call near the Priests (πρεσβυτέρους, presbyterous) of the church, and let them pray over him, having anointed him with oil in the name of the Lord, 
15 and the prayer of faith will save the one being sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he have committed sins, they will be forgiven him.
James 5:14-15

On the contrary, people who do not go to God for healing and repentance, and try to “repent” another way by “fixing themselves”, and trying to do everything themselves before actually coming to God, will be the ones saying later on: “I have tried again and again to stop sinning but I just can’t.”

So the conclusion is this: Repentance is a change of life, but that does not mean that YOU alone change your life and turn it around. It means that you cooperate and allow God to help you change your life. Repentance is not all about the person themself changing because no one can escape, let alone change, their sinful nature.

Repentance is about coming to God and letting Him work in you so you can work on yourself through the help He gave you, through contact with His grace, when you came to Him to receive help. For grace is not just a concept, idea, or moral quality like “being merciful” or “having mercy”.

Grace is very real, tangible, active, and effecting. It interacts with the human soul by touching, healing, and transforming, repairing the damage of sin, strengthening the will, enlightening the mind, and sanctifying the person. It is a real, transformative encounter that leaves the soul changed, being a Divine Energy of our God.

It’s tangible in effect, even if invisible, like sunlight warming and growing a plant. You don’t see the energy itself, but you see and experience its effect. Likewise, grace also brings us the growth and transformation we need to be and do better.

Nevertheless, if you try to change your life without first letting God change it by healing your rotting soul and forgiving + detaching your sins from your soul, you will never be able to truly repent and change your life. 

5 I am the vine; you are the branches. The one abiding in me, and I in him, bears much fruit. For apart from me, you are able to do nothing.
John 15:5

Repentance is synergistic. Repentance is a change of life, but you must first let God change your life and only then can you begin to make better choices with the refreshment and new strength that God has given you through grace.

3 Have mercy on me, o God, according to Your great mercy, and according to the multitude of Your compassions, wipe out my transgression.
4 Wash me thoroughly from my lawlessness and cleanse me from my sin.
5 For I know my lawlessness, and my sin is ever before me.
6 Against You only have I sinned and done evil in Your sight; that You may be justified in Your words, and prevail when You are judged.
7 For behold I was conceived in transgressions, and in sins my mother bore me.
8 Behold, You love truth; You showed me the unknown and secret things of Your wisdom.
9 You shall sprinkle me with hyssop, and I will be cleansed; You shall wash me, and I will be made whiter than snow.
10 You shall make me hear joy and gladness; My bones that were humbled shall greatly rejoice.
11 Turn Your face from my sins, and blot out all my transgressions.
12 Create in me a clean heart, o God, and renew a right spirit within me.
13 Do not cast me away from Your presence, and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
14 Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation, and uphold me with Your guiding Spirit.
15 I will teach transgressors Your ways, and the ungodly shall turn back to You.
16 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, o God, the God of my salvation, and my tongue shall greatly rejoice in Your righteousness.
17 O Lord, You shall open my lips, and my mouth shall declare Your praise. 
18 For if You desired sacrifice, I would give it; You will not be pleased with whole burnt offerings.
19 A sacrifice to God is a broken spirit, a broken and humbled heart God will not despise. 
20 Do good, o Lord, in Your good pleasure to Zion, and let the walls of Jerusalem be built;
21 Then You will be pleased with a sacrifice of righteousness, with offerings and whole burnt offerings; Then shall they offer young bulls upon Your altar.
Psalm 51:3-21 OSB

See how David approaches God for confession and places his trust in Him, believing that He is the only one who can free him from his sinful and evil nature? For he says “Create in me a CLEAN heart, o God, and renew a RIGHT spirit within me.” Keep in mind that David wrote this after falling into his lust for Bathsheba. 

David knew that before he could begin changing his own life, he first had to come to God for grace and healing so he could then change his ways. Us evil humans only know how to do evil things and nothing else. God is the only one who can change us and heal our wounded souls and sinful and evil nature so that we may be able to make better choices, aligning with His Divine Will and holiness.

That is what repentance is all about.

And for this reason does Scripture also say in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness. And why is God strong when we are weak? To show us that we should not strive to strengthen ourselves or better ourselves first. We need not to prove ourselves first before becoming victorious, but rather, we must accept our weakness and come to Christ so He can change us to be able to do better. If this was not the case, Scripture would say that God is strong when we are strong. So do not strive anymore. Come to Christ and rest; be refreshed.